funtobealive

funtobe’s sexual aura strikes again, and in the wrong fucking direction. yesterday i played a concert in the city of concepcion Chile. ( which after Sau Paulo was a very nice change ), the concert had a connection to the Jewish community in town. the Rabbi of the community came to pick us up from the airport. one of the first things he told us was that his wife died in the terror attack on the jewish community in Buenos Aires. and that he used to be the main Rabbi of Chile and decided to stop. after the concert he invited us to a reception in a very decadent english like club. at dinner he was sitting right in front of me and kept giving me this warm look that at the time i was mistaken to understand as fatherly ( age wise he definitely could have been my father… ) he kept asking me why am i not drinking more wine. when it was time to go back to the hotel he went right towards me, held my hand, and said- “i like you”, “we should go out and have some fun”. than i started to understand that the Rabbi is into dicks rather than vaginas. unfortunately he was my ride back to the hotel. when we got there, he said bluntly- isn’t it a shame that you will sleep alone tonight? i ignored and said i want to go in because I’m cold, so he said- ” don’t worry, i’ll make you warm”. at this point i lost my politeness and just went as quickly as i could to my room. today we googled the guy and in wikipedia it said he was fired from his post as the main Rabbi of Chile due to a sirius of scandals…..

today we are playing in the very beautiful city of Frutillar. I’m looking at an amazing lake at sunset that at its background are 4 volcanos’. the only bizarre thing here that it is a bit like being in germany. many Nazi’s ran away to here after the war and everything is soooo german. from the names to the architecture.
thank goodness there is no rabbi here.

funtobe’s sexual aura strikes again, and in the wrong fucking direction. yesterday i played a concert in the city of concepcion Chile. ( which after Sau Paulo was a very nice change ), the concert had a connection to the Jewish community in town. the Rabbi of the community came to pick us up from the airport. one of the first things he told us was that his wife died in the terror attack on the jewish community in Buenos Aires. and that he used to be the main Rabbi of Chile and decided to stop. after the concert he invited us to a reception in a very decadent english like club. at dinner he was sitting right in front of me and kept giving me this warm look that at the time i was mistaken to understand as fatherly ( age wise he definitely could have been my father… ) he kept asking me why am i not drinking more wine. when it was time to go back to the hotel he went right towards me, held my hand, and said- “i like you”, “we should go out and have some fun”. than i started to understand that the Rabbi is into dicks rather than vaginas. unfortunately he was my ride back to the hotel. when we got there, he said bluntly- isn’t it a shame that you will sleep alone tonight? i ignored and said i want to go in because I’m cold, so he said- ” don’t worry, i’ll make you warm”. at this point i lost my politeness and just went as quickly as i could to my room. today we googled the guy and in wikipedia it said he was fired from his post as the main Rabbi of Chile due to a sirius of scandals…..

today we are playing in the very beautiful city of Frutillar. I’m looking at an amazing lake at sunset that at its background are 4 volcanos’. the only bizarre thing here that it is a bit like being in germany. many Nazi’s ran away to here after the war and everything is soooo german. from the names to the architecture.
thank goodness there is no rabbi here.

funtobe finely got to mark the 5th continent by visiting south america for the first time. our first stop is Sau Paulo, Brazil. what a crazy ugly place. the only place FTB can compare it too is Manila. already in the flight something was a bit off. the economy class was completely empty and the business class packed. and this is maybe what this city is about- no middle class- only filthy rich and very poor. nothing is walking distance in Sau Paulo. even the things that are walking distance ( such as the 800 meters from our hotel to the concert hall ). walking in Sau paulo ( especially with musical instruments ) is like screaming i wanna get kidnapped or mugged. by car there is the problem of car jacking and the fact that the 800 meters took something like half an hour. other than that the air quality makes NYC feel like the swiss alps. not recommended for asthmatic people. well this will not go on our most wanted vacation resorts list. but nothing better than a place that all you can do about it is complain.
on the way to chile now…

funtobe was spending the last few day in Prague. what a beautiful city. the only problem that it suffers from a strong case of “touristtaitis” . ( an over load of tourists per given square feet ). one doesn’t see a real Parguer even if you look very hard. the question that came up to my mind was- how does a city keeps its character when almost all year long it has almost nothing but tourists. in the case of bigger cities like paris or NY, i guess the size helps the city to keep its true nature, but prague is tiny in comparison, which makes it much harder.

“A prague tale”

on a beautiful sunny day ( which happens to be today ). a group of mildly crazy 4 musicians was rehearsing the orchestra part of the bach harpsichord concerti. the location was a very nice hotel in downtown prague. in the middle of the rehearsal came in the owner of the hotel with a person he introduced as his father. the alleged owner had a thick Scandinavian accent and the so called father claimed he was a professor from New Orleans. they very kindly asked if we wanted to have some water ( which we all found very funny that someone from New orleans offers us water- they sure have a lot of that there…), and we said it will be very nice to have some water. of course no water ever came- how ever 3 hours later the hotel owner did come back drank as an irish man on st. Patrick’s day, and kept asking us if we are all ok. it was clear as the sun that the only person in the room that wasn’t ok was the hotel owner himself. at first he asked us to play Bach lower and more sadly. which was weird enough. than he clammed our first violinist was ugly. that was the minute we decided to finish the rehearsal. my colleges where much quicker than i was with packing their things together, and very unfortunately i was left alone in the room with the drank hotel owner, who started bragging about how much he has and own all over the world. for example- the top apartment in the Dakota house in NY, and the 16 hundred original mirror that was on the wall in front of us.
than he garbed my arm and started telling me that he can get many things for me. i said that is lovely but i really need to go. he didn’t let go and kept blabbing. and leaned towards me wanting to kiss me. luckily he didn’t succeed- because at this very moment one of my colleges came back to tell me something. when he sew the scene all he had to say was- ” ho, i see you already got a shag for tonight”…
my ass hole was saved!

funtobe was very fortunate to visit a doctor yesterday. first because the doc said that funtobe is “as healthy as an ox” . but better than that was the we finally got a number. as a matter of fact this is not just A number this is THE number! some of you may not know this but funtobe is an explosive flatulent of the highest possible rank! a cruise liner entering the port. or an old 747 landing- that is our liege. so this very dear doctor gave us the average number that a normal person is farting per day. and the number is- 20! i don’t know what is your idea on the the matter but funtobe on a quite normal day probably farts 20 an hour. i wonder if this statistic is also applying to women. if it is- than al of you women out there- you are all liars and hypocritical. at least god all mighty blessed me with unusually non smelling farts. for whatever lack of small, i do try to compensate with volume…

where have you been funtobe?! gave up already. well- we had some crazy times that did not leave us with the energy to share our agony with the world. and agony it was my friends…. since february 8th funtobe was on the road. or more precisely put- in the air and on the road. we have mastered the china town bus between NYC and boston to the point that it is statistically dangerous to take it any further times. now we are somewhere between austria and germany on a fast train.

it is very hard to start again after such a long time. ( between us- the Mekashkesh has an even more difficult task upon him. hee, hee. )

well so i’ll start with my flight to Vienna this week. i was standing in line for check in, and in the line near me was standing a familiar face. it took me a while to understand where i know him from but than it all came back. 11 years ago still a giddy high school boy, funtobe was sent to a bizarre doctor who specializes in musicians. it was all a part of a music program for teenagers. the doctor was so extrovert gay it wasn’t even funny. funtobe’s homophobia is anyway quite high, but in this case it was even higher. the examination consisted of taking away all your close ( yes, yes, the fool monty ), and that been measured by the doctor. he took the length and width of every bone in my body. the experience reminded me ( and the dear Mefatpet who was there with me by chance, ) of some famous holocaust scenes. such as Dr. Mengale conducting experiments on jewish POW.

the strangely familiar face was that same doctor. although we both recognized one another i couldn’t bring my self to say hello. the embarrassment of that after-noon in his clinic is still shadowing me like a horrible phantasm. of course they sat us together on the plane. and still i couldn’t look him in the eyes. imagine that a complete stranger sits near you and knows what is the exact length of your willy… luckily he didn’t feel saying anything to me either.

yesterday i was waiting for a bus on the street, and suddenly somebody bumped into me from the back. as a true funtobe my instinct was to turn around annoyed and to scream at the person who so clumsily pumped into me. but when i turned i realized it was a blind person. and not only blind, but actually a relative of mine. it was my uncles ( adopted ) son.  i was cheerfully calling his name- “shlomi, how are you?” , but he said- ” no, I’m not shlomi, I’m shahar”.  at first i thought i was mistaken. but he explained he changed his name. what an amazing story he has- he works for the army radio broadcasting network, and completely self sufficient.  as a child i used to see him quite often at my grandma, and i remember he used to scare the shit out of me. he could always tell I’m in the room, even when i tried to be as still as i could.
we happened to take the same bus together, and this really killed me- in Tel Aviv even with perfect i sight it is hard enough to know where to get off the bus, so as a blind person it is on the verge of impossible. ( we do not have those neat announcements for each stop…). but my cousin new exactly where to get off with out asking anybody.  i should have asked him how does he do that, but i didn’t. well, since the radio station where he works is just around my corner, i might be bumped into again, and have a second chance to ask.

our beloved tigerlily ( yes,yes, the one from the optimistic column…) was a victim of a horrible american “playing it by the rules” scam. the dear tiger is usually having its lunch in the whole foods branch close to her college. as a matter of fact almost every day she goes there to hunt for some tiger food. she was usually paying with a “whole foods” card. on a ruff average she was spending there at least 50$ a week for the last year. ( that is ruffly 3,000$… ) last week as usual the tiger went to have her lunch, and already waited in line to pay, but than very absentmindedly she spotted her favorite table free, and being a space-cadet tiger she is, she thought she might as well go and catch it for herself so she could enjoy her lunch sitting down. so off she went, and sat down, and started to eat, and by mistake forgot to pay. after a few minutes came the branch manager with a guard and asked the sweet tiger to come with him, and than he actually grabbed her by the elbow to a dark back room. the frightened tiger was forced to sign a form she doesn’t really know what it said because she wasn’t aloud to read it. a photo of her was taken although she said she doesn’t wish for it. every reasonable thing she said- like all the arguments written above didn’t come thou. even not the fact that she sat in the store a few feet away from the guard not even thinking of leaving. of course she offered to pay immediately, but the response was- that will not be necessary mam’…
she was told she is banned from all the branches of whole foods around the world. this part reminds me of a famous scene from the cohen brothers film “oh brother where art thou”, where george clooney is banned from the woolworth for life…
reality wasn’t as funny nor as half witty as the spoken film. the tiger was humiliated for the most silly mistake anyone can make.
therefore i plan to ban the whole foods chain for the rest of my life and i hope you will all join me doing it. overpriced fruit and vegetable i can get somewhere else. but the funtobe tribe as customers they will never see again!

so much happened it is not even funny. first funtobe moved yet again to his own place in Jaffa. an interesting neighborhood indeed. it is one of the only really mixed cites in israel. by mixed i mean arab jewish. for instance in my building only on my floor there is a canadian jew and a mixed married couple. ( an arab father and a jewish mother ). in the floor above there is a christian arab and a muslim arab, and on the last floor a jewish journalist. what a crazy mixture. the first weird combination is the music coming out of the different apartments. funtobe plays mostly classical music, it is mixed with the jazz piano playing of the canadian jew, and it is all rapped up with some horrible arab pop music. what a bizarre combination. although Jaffa is considered a part of Tel Aviv it is never the less a different world. the first thing that i notice is that it smells differently. a nice and veil combination of water-pipe smoke, something rotten and middle-eastern spices. the people on the street are very much different, it is a little bit like the arab quarters of paris. ( with out paris…). but so far so good. funtobe is not complaining. yet.

funtobe was having his conducting debut last sunday! his job was not much more than being a human metronome, but never the less some talent was shown there. the conducted work was one of the weirdest things ever. the title was “a Klingon wedding ceremony”. and it was suppose to demonstrate what klingonian world music might sound like. ( to those of you who never watched stark track- the klingon’s are the ugly black creatures. the most known klingon to us is probably lieutenant warff….). the piece was for 2 cymbals guitar and viola. it truly sounded like music from outer space.  funtobe did enjoy being with the back to the audience, and is considering maybe a change of profession… may it be a beginning of a beautiful carrier. for the moment ftb is back in germany frizzing is ass in a real winter cold. that is a very good reminder to some of the reasons that lad to the return to israel…